Conformity

My friend has a sign on her wall that I absolutely love every time I see it. Thought I would share. The sign reads:

Conformity:
Proudly serving painfully

boring people since time began.

I Just Can't Relate

I love my friends, and their kids. I absolutely adore walking into my friend's homes and seeing their children's faces light up and the hugs and kisses I get from them. I really enjoy having the kids curled on my lap so I can read them books and sing songs with them.

I know that these children are the focus of my friends' lives. I understand that their attachment is to their home. And I know that my friends care about me and are working hard to keep up the relationship with me on top of all of their familial responsibilities.

Which is why I feel bad when, after sitting through half an hour or more of listening to discussion of bedtime schedules, ear infections, and toilet training stories, I just want to say to my friends, "I don't care. I can't relate to your stories, it is not my stage of life at the moment. I just don't care if your child can sleep with his blanket or not. And I can't handle listening to you talk about it anymore."

Of course, I never say these things. And I welcome cute stories about the funny things that my friends' children do. But honestly, after listening to the toilet training, bedtime schedules and feeding troubles from my friends, I don't want to talk to my friends anymore. And it makes me feel like if that is what being a parents does to you - reduces from an intellectual human being who can speak intelligently about many topics to someone who discusses how often their babies spit up, I don't want to do it.

So, to my married friends - if you want me to desire to have children, please stop. Please talk to me about things I can relate to. Tell me the cute stories. Send me pictures.

Sorry for the rant - can you tell I just had another of those conversations?

Final Thoughts from Morrie

I braved the ending of "Tuesdays with Morrie," and am very glad that I did.

I find this outlook from Morrie very similar to my own:

"'Here's what I mean by building your own little subculture,' Morrie said. "I don't mean you disregard every rule of your community. I don't go around naked, for example. I don't run through red lights. The little things, I can obey. But the big things - how we think, what we value - those you must choose yourself. You can't let anyone - or any society - determine those for you.'"

Another great quote on love:

"As long as we can love each other, and remember the feeling of love we had, we can die without ever really going away. All the love you created is still there. All the memories are still there. You live on - in the hearts of everyone you have touched and nurtured while you were here....Death ends a life, not a relationship."

Toughen Up

I think I need to toughen up a bit. This morning while on the bus, I was reading "Tuesdays with Morrie." As they were describing Morrie's failing health, and his incredible, but of course, challenged attitude surrounding his death, I couldn't help but to tear up. I'm used to crying, but what really surprised me was that I had to shut the book and stop reading. I couldn't handle it. This for a man who passed away quite a few years ago, whose book I have read before and who I never knew. Still, he certainly manages to touch me even today. His lessons are those that anyone can learn from.

A couple months ago I was reading another book in which the main character's death was alluded to quite a while before the book ended. I found myself dreading the ending, and did drag out reading the end of the book for quite a while.

I guess I am quite fortunate that I have never had to deal with the death of someone I was close with. I certainly have never had to endure the agony of a prolonged illness on the part of anyone I have known well. I am not sure how I would deal with it.

Making Shabbos

To repay the hospitality I have been receiving during all the holidays, I am having a friend stay for Shabbos. I decided to make a meal for us and a couple of other friends. I went shopping and then came home to cook. I made challah, chicken, fish, dessert and have the makings for a few other things. I also managed to clean my room, the refrigerator and do laundry. I feel so accomplished and I can't wait to have such a nice Shabbos meal. There really is something beautiful about preparing for Shabbos.

Thoughts from Morrie

Still reading "Tuesdays with Morrie" and his wisdom is definitely something to ponder. Some thoughts:

On really feeling emotion:

"We feel lonely, sometimes to the point of tears, but we don't let those tears come because we are not supposed to cry. Or how we feel a surge of love for a partner but we don't say anything because we're frozen with the fear of what those words might do to the relationship.

Morrie's approach was exactly the opposite. Turn on the faucet. Wash yourself with the emotion. It won't hurt you. It will only help."

He's so right. So many of us are afraid to feel, to express and to live, our emotions. Why are we afraid to tell someone we love them? Why are we afraid to cry? We bottle it up inside and it scares us to feel.

On embracing aging:

"As you grow, you learn more. If you stayed at twenty-two, you'd always be as ignorant as you were at twenty-two. Aging is not just decay, you know. It's growth. It's more than the negative that you're going to die, it's also the positive that you understand you're going to die, and that you live a better life because of it."

Why don't people want to be old?

Because people "haven't found meaning. Because if you've found meaning in your life, you don't want to go back. You want to go forward. You want to see more, do more. You can't wait until sixty-five."

I guess, if you know that you have really lived each day of your life, there is no need to be young, to hold onto your youth. If you know that you have done all you can do with each moment, then you have no need to be young, you can look back and see that you have lived your life to the fullest and that you have no regrets about wasting time. I hope to be able to say, when I'm sixty-five, that I lived a meaningful life.

Baal Teshuvah Stigma

I have been going to a friend here in Passaic for Shabbos quite frequently. She is someone that I knew, but not well, when we both lived in Baltimore, before she got married about a year ago.

It's so funny, because she keeps commenting to me that, if she didn't know it, she would never guess that I am a baal teshuvah. Because I seem so normal, and not extreme, and just seem to fit in. I tell her that I have been frum for a long time, that at some point I was more extreme than I am now, but I have kind of evened-out at this point.

Do baal teshuvah's really come across as so weird? I guess some do, but I feel like there are enough "normal" (whatever that means) ones out there to balance it out.

It Doesn't Take Much

I had so much fun last night. A few friends and I got together, made pizza, had a little bit to drink, and simply had a great time. That's all it takes sometimes, some yummy cheese, a little bit of alcohol, and great company. Thanks guys! You made my night!

Sleeping

I have chronic insomnia, have had it for years. So, when I actually sleep through the night, it is an event to note. This morning, I woke up and realized that I hadn't woken even once during the night. And I fell asleep relatively quickly. So, just had to note it.

Music Notes

So many songs have such good lines. They've really been speaking to me the past few days.

Here's a few good ones:

If it makes you happy, it can't be that bad.
Not sure I agree with it, but it sure sounds good.

If God would send His angels, and if God would send a sign, and if God would send His angels, everything would be all right.

No one said it would be easy, but no one said it'd be this hard.
This is the theme phrase of myself and friends these days, it seems.

So many others, but of course, I can't remember them now...

Family Relationships

I have a lot of patience with a lot of people. Why does that patience not carry over to my relationship with my mother (who does NOT know about my blog, nor could she ever figure out how to find it, since she won't touch a computer)? I find myself constantly exasperated with her. Those faults I can accept and tolerate in others just don't cut it when it comes to my mom. I find it so frustrating to talk to her. I am not sure if it is because I am so comfortable with her I am able to let go and not worry about her getting mad at me or if it is just a family thing. I regret that I am often so short with my mother, I wish we were closer, but it doesn't seem meant to be. I wish I knew how to have the patience with her that I do with so many others...

Missing School Isn't Fun

I am feeling a bit overwhelmed today. Because of the holidays, not only am I missing half a month of work, but I am missing four straight weeks, an entire month, of school. I work very hard to not make excuses or ask for special favors from my professors, because I want them to know that I am a hard worker and that I take school seriously, but I am feeling very overwhelmed by the fact that in the next week I have two huge projects to do and my professor won't even give me the instructions. One of the projects is due by next Wednesday, which basically gives me Sunday to do it. She is conveniently letting me leave it in her mailbox. Wow, thanks so much. I wish she understood that I don't want to miss class, that I would much rather be there, and that she would also understand the number of days in which I am completely unable to work on things like tape recordings and transcriptions. There goes any fun I wanted to have on Chol Hamoed.

Oh well. Sorry for the whine, I am overtired.

What's In a Crush?

It's so funny how time changes so many things. This past weekend, I spent time with someone who I used to have a huge crush on. I still like, respect and admire this person very much. I can talk to him about many topics for long lengths of time. He has many qualities that I find extremely attractive in a person. However, my crush, for many reasons, has been over for a long time.

What amazed me was the difference in my reaction to seeing him now. At one point, I had such a crush on him, but now, I look at him with friendship and affection, purely platonic. All those feelings that once felt so strong have dissipated and faded.

Time is an amazing enzyme to affect change.

Sukkos

I had a long, strange, hard day yesterday. But I thought I would write about the highlight of it.

When I got to my friend's house where I am staying for Yom Tov, they were decorating their sukkah. I got to help hang the decorations. It was really a lot of fun. Pretty blinking lights, gold fruit, and lots of other colorful and bright adornments. It was a good end to the day.

What Makes You Happy?

My friend was telling me that she was asked at SpeedDating, "What Makes You Happy?"

I thought it was a great question - she was more perturbed about it. The first things that came to my mind were walking outside on a beautiful day, painting, and being with good friends, just having fun. I think I am going to start a more complete list.

What makes you happy?

A Gentleman

The man sitting next to me on the bus the other day offered to give his seat up to a woman if she didn't have one. It was the first time since I have been living here that I have seen that. I was so impressed by his gentlemanly manner.

Dating Sucks

Sorry - had to get that out for a friend of mine who, if she had a blog, would be spreading that message all over the blogosphere right now.

Arguing for Argument's Sake

I have been arguing way too much lately. I am tired of it and have been trying to make a conscious effort to discontinue conversations that turn into arguments. However, last night I found myself purposely arguing with someone, just for the principle of it.

The person I was arguing with was spouting off information that they obviously had heard from a different source. They had not taken the information, questioned whether it made sense, whether it was backed up with valid data and whether it came from an appropriate source or not. They were making blanket statements that, maybe, seemed logical, if coming from a certain viewpoint, but which I saw as dangerous and demeaning if you were standing within the box this individual was speaking from.

So I argued and argued with this person. The truth is, there might have been something to their point (though they whole thing didn't make sense), but I wanted to force this person to think for themself, rather than hashing back faulty rhetoric that was left unquestioned and unchecked. They finally backed down, because it was obvious that I wasn't going to.

I didn't feel any victory. I just felt sad.

Career Counseling

Up to now, I have been avoiding the career counseling aspect of my chosen profession, because I was never especially interested in it. I am much more interested in helping kids with the struggles they have in their adolescent/teen years. But I am starting to realize the need for good career counseling.

Last night I took my cat to the vet for his shots. The vet and receptionist were both so rude I couldn't believe it. The vet took no interest in my cat at all. He didn't seem to enjoy being around animals very much. Neither of the employees I interacted with had any warmth whatsoever.

I don't understand why anyone would go into veterinary medicine if they don't like being around animals and completely lack the warmth necessary to have an animal like them. Maybe the vet could have used a good career counselor to suggest he go into business or something that doesn't require a personality.

Catholic Church to Allow Homosexual Preists

Another big wow.

Via Jewschool, an article from CBC annoucing the Catholic Church's decision to allow men who have been chaste for three years to become candidates for preisthood.

That brings up a lot of questions in my mind.

How do they know for sure if a candidate has been chaste for three years? Does that mean the candidate must stay chaste for life or after being conferred with preisthood, is he allowed to go back to engaging in homosexual behavior? If proclaimed homosexual (albeit chaste ones) are allowed to enter the preisthood, is this also a proclamation by the Catholic Church condoning homosexual behavior (or if not the behavior, then homosexuality in general)among its congregants? Why would they rather have homosexual men as preists than to allow women to enter the ranks of preisthood? And will the conferring of preisthood to women be far behind?

Interesting stuff.

Wow

Nice Jewish Girl has been kissed.

Lots to say. But probably not here.

A Brain

Predicated by my recent visit to a shadchan, I have been re-thinking (once again) about what I am looking for in a guy.

Upon leaving the shadchan's house, my friend who actually wanted to meet with the shadchan made the comment that she needed to figure out how to describe what she was looking for more distinctly, because after talking to me, it is clear to a shadchan that I am looking for a brain. A brain? My response was that I am looking for more than a brain. She said, "Of course, but the main thing is a brainy intellectual-type guy."

I don't necessarily agree with her, but I don't necessarily disagree either. What I am looking for is someone who thinks - both about ideas and books and intellectual-type stuff, but also about who he is and how he fits into the world and why he does the things that he does and how his actions affect others. I don't know that someone who is just "a brain" would also encompass all of those attributes. I have met many guys who were really smart, but so stupid and not nice, that I still don't respect them.

The question for me, in my own mind, is whether I could marry someone without the "brainy" aspect. Someone who thinks about himself and how his actions affect others. Someone who makes his own decisions, not being swayed by popular society. But someone who doesn't read all the time, who isn't knowledgable, who isn't sharp or quick. A wonderful guy, but not a brain. I have trouble respecting those guys also.

Am I asking for too much? Does the combination exist?

Terrorism in the Subways

Hearing about the terrorist threats today in the New York Subway system, in stations that I regularly frequent, makes me feel more like a New Yorker, and has given me more of a realization of what New Yorkers went through during 9-11.

9-11 was horrible and terrifying, but for someone who never set eyes on the Twin Towers, it didn't hit me the way it did so many other people from this area. I am not comparing the threats that were going on today to that horrific experience, but I do feel more of a connection to what people who lived here in 2001 felt. I understand a little bit (just a little) how scarred people were from it.

New York is starting to become a part of me.

Juxtaposition

On my way to work:

As we are trudging through the Lincoln Tunnel (does it ever end?), I see the Monroe Bus driving alongside us. Having a slight fascination for Hasidim, I peer through my window and into theirs, and see quite a few men wrapped in their tallesim, tefillin on heads, davening. The driver of the bus (thankfully not davening), has a long beard and is wearing a little black hat. What a cool sight!

As I am walking from the bus station to my office, I pass a Muslim restaurant. In the window is a sign saying "Friday prayer time - 1:15 PM." I wonder what they look like when they are praying.

How similar we all are!

Crystal Ball

I was promised a crystal ball to be delivered after the force shield was perfected. It seems to be taking way too long. I think I need another inventor on board. Anyone want to volunteer? (Just a note - Mind-reading machine would also be greatly appreciated.)

Back - Kind Of

Can I just say that it stinks to come back to work after several days off, just to find out how many things you messed up before you left? And on two hours of sleep, I am not handling it that well. My coping mechanism? Getting absolultely nothing done.

Update - I feel bad about the above, because my boss is really being very nice to me. It's not her fault I only got 2 hours of sleep. But I really wish I was in bed right now.

Please daven for...

Please daven for a refuah shleimah for Moshe Eliezer ben Hadassah. And for his family to be comforted during this very difficult time.