Which is Worse Continued
Okay, since everyone liked chiming in on whether it's better to have no dates or a lot of bad dates - let's add another element, just cuz I'm curious to see what everyone thinks.
Which is worst:
1) No Dates (which makes you feel lonely)
2) Lots of bad dates (defined as people who are NOT appropriate) (which makes you jaded and frustrated)
New Option:
3) Meeting someone you really like, that you have a great time with, maybe you go out with them several times, have a real connection, but for a good reason (I'm not talking about being too picky here, I'm talking about a real reason that makes things fairly impossible) it doesn't work out. The emotional investment can be tremendous, it can be quite difficult when you realize that there is going to be some "reason" that it won't work out, and it's sad because you really like the person.
Is scenario three the worst of all? Or is it better because at least you get hope about finding someone who is in the ballpark?
posted by Shoshana @ 8:15 AM
12 Comments:
I think scenario 3 is probably a worse one. I have recently been in that situation and just because I can forsee the outcome, I dont dare put myself in another emotional turmoil. Maybe its just cowardness and who knows, it might have worked out and gut feelings can sometimes be wrong. But if its an obvious issue that you really,really know cant be worked on or changed then I think its brave and wise to "call it a day". And yes, just like you say, it does give hope of finding the right one. At least for me.
What happened to it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all? Alright I'm kidding here. It really depends if it's the guy or the you are talking about becuase a guy usually ends up shelling out the money in which case many bad dates can have a devestating financial aspect as well.
The third is absolutely the worst! You can't just say "Oh, well, didn't work, on to the next". Some part of you is still back there, and will refuse to move on.
I have a tendency to believe that whatever the problem is, it can be fixed, and I waste all my energies and attention there for much too long.
When I finally give up, it still colors the approach to the next. I tend to look for someone EXACTLY like him, but without the problem. So, for a long while, all subsequent men are inadequate.
Knowing this doesn't help. I can't avoid it.
Its both, because on the one hand it really devastates you and makes you depressed out of your mind. But as they say "Tis, better to have loved and lost, then never to have loved at all ".
Adi -
I hear ya - every time I get close to someone and it doesn't work, I get scared of doing it again, and it makes it harder to let myself get close.
Jewish Blogmeister -
I didn't really consider the financial aspects of it, I was really talking more about the emotional aspects, but I do think it can be financially difficult for many guys.
Silk- I hear you also, I have that tendency as well, to look for someone who is very similar to the last person, because it was so close to working. And it makes you hold onto hopes more with people that are similar, and push away people that aren't, which isn't so smart.
sg -
It is the hardest to get over, for sure. But again, it does seem to give some hope that you are capable of finding someone.
Weird... I [strongly] disagree with everyone. I think #3 is the least bad of them all. You learn so much more from such a relationship, and you can now describe to your friends or whomever is setting you up more clearly what you do/did like, and what not. If (for example) there's that one real reason it didn't work, you now know that someone similar would be good as long as that issue is not applicable.
It just seems to me that people learn so much more from relationships which were good but did not work (both about themselves and the other person) than any other way save a great relationship which lasts forever [and even then sometimes not].
Most importantly, #3's are a great sign if a person normally is set up on dates: It means that at least one person has a good idea of what you're looking for/what is good for you.
Ezzie -
I think it's worse because of the emotional drain and suffering one goes through in the 3rd situation during the aftermath. Yes, you do learn a lot, yes, it's nice to meet people who are fairly on target. But...the frustration of finding someone who is so close, yet so far, can be really painful.
Painful in the short-term [the more you open yourself up, the more it hurts], but in terms of the big picture it's better. If you're asking what is more painful, than yes; but what's worse... I don't think so.
I actually agree with Ezzie (not that I don't usually agree with you, Ezzie ;) but you do have that "got married young" disadvantage). Not to belittle you, Shoshana, or the others, because I do see all the points made, but I personally feel that getting close to finding the right one helps you clarify what exactly you are looking for and helps you verbalize it to people who want to set you up. Yes, there is emotional and financial investment on both sides (whoever thinks it is only the guy shelling out $ for dates is mistaken...I went on a free vacation because of all the frequent flier miles I accumulated during a long distance relationship...but that's another aspect) but for me, at least, being in a good relationship, even if just for a short time, helps me get back on track after all the bad dates with other guys. It's a good feeling to know that there are still nice guys out there and even if this one is not THE ONE, at least I came close. I guess because this doesn't happen very often for me, I have a different perspective. For me, bad dates are the most draining. Good dates rejuvenate me and give me hope. Even if I only date a guy 2 or 3 times (meaning not that much emotional investment), if the breakup was amicable (which it usually is for me) I'm fine. I guess it also depends, though, if you didn't see the breakup coming. That's much harder than if you kind of had issues all along. I know someone who had 2 long term relationships in a year and because of everything she went through with those, was able to really clarify for herself what she needed and what she was looking for. When she met her now-fiancee she was able to see very quickly that he was the ONE because of her past learning experiences.
Ezzie -
I don't know that it doesn't have long-term repercussions as well. I find that the more times I get close, the harder it is for me to open up again to someone, and let them in, because every time I do, it ends in a lot of pain. It's not necessarily even a conscious thing, but I think it's kind of like a scar - every time it opens up and heals, it closes stronger and makes it harder to open once again.
Sara -
You are absolutely right that you learn and clarify through the good relationships, and the truth is, I am grateful to the good dates that don't go so far, but I do learn a lot from. I think the hardest thing is to get over those relationships that do get serious and then end, honestly, for whatever reason.
It's not necessarily even a conscious thing, but I think it's kind of like a scar - every time it opens up and heals, it closes stronger and makes it harder to open once again.
I hear that. I think we know people more like Sara's example, who - though also they said they had a harder time thanks to the past (near/broken engagements, etc.) - said that their past relationships made it easier for them in the end.
Sara's also right that I have that "got married young" disadvantage, so my opinions aren't based on experiences of my own, but my own intuition and others' experiences.
Just came across this post and it's funny because I was discussing the very topic with a friend the other day.
1 & 2 are both pretty bad but for different reasons. Loneliness vs. frustration/disappointment. I complain about no dates and I complain about innapropriate dates. Equally bad.
I think agree with Sara about number 3: It's a good feeling to know that there are still nice guys out there and even if this one is not THE ONE, at least I came close. So it's not necessarily the worst or the best but it's probably the one you learn the most from.
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