A Brain
Predicated by my recent visit to a shadchan, I have been re-thinking (once again) about what I am looking for in a guy.
Upon leaving the shadchan's house, my friend who actually wanted to meet with the shadchan made the comment that she needed to figure out how to describe what she was looking for more distinctly, because after talking to me, it is clear to a shadchan that I am looking for a brain. A brain? My response was that I am looking for more than a brain. She said, "Of course, but the main thing is a brainy intellectual-type guy."
I don't necessarily agree with her, but I don't necessarily disagree either. What I am looking for is someone who thinks - both about ideas and books and intellectual-type stuff, but also about who he is and how he fits into the world and why he does the things that he does and how his actions affect others. I don't know that someone who is just "a brain" would also encompass all of those attributes. I have met many guys who were really smart, but so stupid and not nice, that I still don't respect them.
The question for me, in my own mind, is whether I could marry someone without the "brainy" aspect. Someone who thinks about himself and how his actions affect others. Someone who makes his own decisions, not being swayed by popular society. But someone who doesn't read all the time, who isn't knowledgable, who isn't sharp or quick. A wonderful guy, but not a brain. I have trouble respecting those guys also.
Am I asking for too much? Does the combination exist?
posted by Shoshana @ 12:52 PM
7 Comments:
When it comes down to it, you'd be surprised what you end up not caring about. I'd focus on someone with the values you find most important, and certain attributes you feel are important to you as well.
I always thought I'd want/need someone who is interested in/knowledgeable in what goes on in the world, politics, more 'intellectual', etc. (and someone who doesn't hate sports!) - then found my wife, who couldn't care much less about most of that. She's an amazing people person, who cares about the little things far more - and that's what drew me to her. Turns out the rest wasn't as important that she, specifically, have it. I can discuss those other things with other people, with other friends, etc. - but I have a wife with amazing values and a sense of what's truly important.
Ezzie -
I think you are probably right, which is why I feel that I re-think what I am looking for all the time. I hope that when I find the right person, it becomes obvious to me that, despite the things that I thought I was looking for, he is the right one.
To a certain extent I agree with Ezzie, in that you never know what's going to end up not being important, but I'd also point out that he's coming at it from the male perspective -- that even if a man claims that he wants a smart, worldly girl, he'd most likely be happy enough with a ditzy, scattered girl.
As you pointed out, Shoshana, you wouldn't respect a guy who didn't think about the world and about himself. Women do need for their husbands to live up to certain ideals because women look up to their husbands while husbands don't really look up to their wives. You just have to know which ideals are the ones that are important.
Also, you have to know whether you're willing to give up certain things. I have two girl friends who used to talk about what they were going to do and accomplish and be like when they were married and now that they're married they aren't like that at all -- were they being unrealistic before they were married, or have they given up on their dreams because of the guys they've married?
Debbie -
I often wonder what I will be like when I get married. I aspire to be a "cool" married person, who really remembers and makes time for her single friends and can have a conversation about more than diaper changing and feeding schedules. But to be honest, I have no idea how I will be.
I tell people now that I want to work once I have kids, because I am working so hard to get my graduate degree and I do want to help students. But when I actually have children, who knows how I will feel? Also, I know that my need for indepdence may greatly be altered when I meet a man that I want to spend the rest of my life with. We never really know.
I try to focus on the things that make me compatible with another person, mainly personality-wise, because I don't think that kind of thing will change much.
The rest of it, I have to admit, I am often left wondering about. I guess we all are until it actually happens.
Having seen you be upset after going out with guys who lacked the "sharp with" that you say comes with being smart, I think that maybe the Banana sees that your top priority is someone who is smart, not just someone with a body meant for Playgirl, which is what I am looking for, obviously, besides being incredibly wealthy, and also, he has to be able to sing, and do a backbend, and hold his breath under water for 7 minutes. Wow, my procrastination has reached a new apex.
It's good to aim high. (Oh, but be flexible as well)
Quick note: Most men would NOT be happy with a ditzy, scatterbrained girl. In fact, most of my friends who are going out often complain that the girl sometimes seems sharp, sometimes a ditz - and they can't figure out if the ditziniess is just nervousness or the flashes of brilliance just luck.
But I think that Shoshana put it all perfectly: "It's good to aim high. (Oh, but be flexible as well)"
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